Pregnancy, not my favorite season...

I would like to preface this with the fact that I am beyond blessed to have had a successful and mostly non eventful pregnancy. I am not ungrateful for this. This post is about my experience with pregnancy, and my hopes for the next one. 

As some of you may know, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks. The tiny bit of experience from this first time is carried into my second pregnancy.

1st Trimester

After my D&C I followed my doctor's directions perfectly. I waited the 3 suggested months for healing, while in the mean time taking care of myself and trying to rebuild my life from tragedy. 4 months after the procedure I found that I was again pregnant. I cannot begin to describe the mix of emotions. I remember sitting on my couch and smelling clearly the dog poo from far off in the house that Austin could not. He looked at me and said I think you're pregnant. Sure enough after a positive test it was true! I was so excited and scared all at the same time. I was probably about 4 weeks pregnant at that time. I find it funny now, not so funny then, that about 2 weeks after realizing I was pregnant my body was like ok.....morning sickness! As many know, morning sickness doesn't always reside in the morning! During this trimester I felt like the most useless human being to inhabit the earth! I was so tired all of the time. I think there was actually one day where I slept almost all day only waking up to eat and use the bathroom. 

At about 6 weeks my first ultrasound was scheduled. They scheduled this one early due to my past history. Excitement and extreme fear preceded this appointment. I knew God was with me throughout all of this, but I didn't want to go and see another screen with a missing heartbeat. I prayed and told God that I couldn't do that again, it would destroy me. Austin and I went in to this appointment with high hopes, and our prayers were answered. Tears of joy streamed down my face. That tiny little bean with his flickering heart beat was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From then on, the morning sickness was a forethought because I knew that my baby was ok. The fear, however, did not go away. I was nervous at every appointment until I heard the heartbeat on that little device. At this point the first trimester was hard because I couldn't yet feel him move, so I had no idea in between appointments if my baby was ok.

^^ Cute little 1st trimester bump. (bahahah I called THAT a bump)

2nd Trimester

HEAVEN. They were really right with the descriptions I read on this phase. I had energy, excitement, and I felt good. Life was pretty nice during this phase. I planned my registry, mapped out how I wanted the nursery, and enjoyed any sort of baby prep. Our 20 week gender reveal ultrasound was coming up just before Christmas and I was so excited. I wanted a GIRL! Nothing could convince me I was having a boy.  We went in and saw our beautiful baby.....BOY. I admit that I was disappointed. Extremely disappointed for a little while. It's ok people, I knew I would love the baby no matter what, I just had pumped myself up for a different outcome. Now I cannot even imagine my sweet Jude to be a girl and am thankful my first is a boy! From then on I got excited for him. I developed this sweet little bump and was in mommy heaven!

Then the late stage of this trimester set in. When your body changes so drastically, your emotional being starts to change.  I saw my body, which I once thought was pretty and attractive morph into something I didn't like. I didn't have the confidence I once had. My body changing so drastically tore me down mentally and forced me to find value in myself outside of the way I looked. << Easier for me to say now. It was a difficult journey and I would be lying if I said I ever truly got it down.

3rd Trimester

DUN, Dun, dun! Awful and awful. I'm an idiot, let's start with that. Tip for all future preggers.....do what the doctors and guidelines say. Don't eat everything!!!! I think at this point I gave up. I wasn't going to get any smaller, I couldn't diet or work out, so why bother? I also thought that I could probably lost most of it through breastfeeding....bahaha silly me! Ok back to the beginning of this. I could finally feel the baby move, which was awesome, but my energy started to leave again. I started to gain weight a lot faster. It didn't help that I loved, I mean LOVED, chocolate chip cookies. Here's a look at the cute big bump before things got insane!

Awh! The last month approached. The last month was terrible for me. There was no good sleeping position, my legs hurt at night, my fingers tingled and sometimes my whole hand would randomly lose feeling during the day, and nothing......literally nothing fit. Then all of a suddenly there were balloons where my feet used to be! I felt like this picture every time I put on shoes!

It got to the point where flip flops were the only shoe that would fit!

I was a house....a whopping 225. Holy Moses! I so wanted to look like one of those cute pregnant ladies you see in the magazines! Psshh not me. I loved my pregnancy photos, the colors were beautiful, but I cannot say that I loved me in them. I look at myself and think "If I were just a bit smaller I would have looked fantastic" Gosh darn woman mentality!

This was the point where my doctor sent me for gestational diabetes testing twice. Didn't have it....nope I wish I would have just told her "yes I eat salty foods" "yes I eat lots of sweets". Terrible thoughts went through my head, "you're lucky your baby is even healthy at this point with what you put in your body". Also, the constant "you're going to have a big baby" from my doctor wasn't very encouraging. She predicted at the minimum 9 lbs, but kept throwing around the 10lb weight from time to time. I was terrified. I didn't want to hear talk of inducing and C-sections. I was going to have a natural medicated birth and that was the end of it. I even considered the "let's see how long I can go with out pain meds" route. So many fb groups, blogs, articles glamorize the "all natural" mom to the point where you feel less if you do not choose this route.  Obviously it didn't work for me, but that is another post :).

All this to say I laughed at those who glamorized pregnancy saying how they loved it! I hope to have a better attitude with my next one, but I doubt I will ever love being pregnant. My husband was amazing the whole time. He always finds the beauty in my that I never can see. 

I would like to end this post with a few tips from what I have learned so that future mamas don't make the same mistakes I felt I made.

1. Eat healthy normal meals. 

Avoid the dang McDonald's with their stupid delicious salty fries! Avoid the amazing sugary heaven that is chocolate chip cookies with ice cold milk. I have a sugar addiction I'm trying to break because of it!

2. Enjoy the sleep.

Seriously get all that you can. Take naps, sleep in, shamelessly sleep all day at least once. Those 10 hr sleeps won't happen again for a long time!

3. Do things by yourself.

Leave the house by yourself. Enjoy shopping by yourself. All of it! 1 month after having a baby, I realized that I can't just leave the house to go pick anything up alone. I will always have to get my little person ready to come with!

4. Spend time with your man

All that that implies. After baby you will feel like your whole world revolves around keeping him alive and non crying. This leaves you with zero energy for anyone else, even yourself.

5. Take a forever long shower/bath

Mine now get interrupted by baby cries, suspected baby cries, and daddy freaking out because baby is upset.

6. Dress up/Get fancy

I'll tell you how much you don't want to get dressed postpartum. If it were acceptable to run around in a t-shirt and underwear, I probably wouldn't, but I'd consider it! The immeasurable amount of time and energy it takes just to get the baby ready and out the door axes the cares you have for your own personal appearance. Especially when you are tired.

7. Go out to eat and to the movies

Before baby you go to practically any movie your friends invite you to. Post baby, HA! You say to yourself, "that looks good, can't wait til it comes out on DVD". If you even consider going to a movie, it can't just be any movie. It has to be worth the time/preparation for a sitter to even spend the $50+ to see the flick!

All of these things are nice, and I do miss the ease of having them in my life, but I wouldn't trade having the newest little love of my life for any one of them. He has been worth every single moment of my pregnancy and I wouldn't trade him for the world!