My Journey Through Loss

I consider myself to be a strong person, and maybe that is one of my faults. I don't know, but we have to do the best with what we have and continue to try to do better. This is a small insight to my story as of late. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to express it, but I do believe that I haven't made it through quite yet. 

It all started with that one exciting positive pregnancy test, my very first! How excited we were to be parents! Nervous and scared at the same time, but who isn't? I told my mom right away, who was naturally so excited when she had seen the cute little mini sperry's I had bought. The next night we informed the rest of my immediate family (dad & brothers). Within the next couple of weeks all of our family and closest friends knew and were so happy. I started roaming through website after website of baby rooms, cloth diapering, decor, anything baby! I had even picked out two names, one for a boy and one for a girl. We had our first ultrasound scheduled, and this is where the story really begins.....

I would like to begin by saying that Austin & I are very blessed people, and never expect bad from anything. So worry really isn't on our list of things to do. The only thing I really worried about going into our first ultrasound was the likelihood of a more invasive ultrasound due to the fact that I was most likely only 9 weeks pregnant at the time. We arrived at the facility on time and went through the paperwork and waiting routine. All in all the appointment was a breeze. The regular ultrasound wasn't conclusive so, as I expected, they went the more invasive route. This being my first time, I had no clue what I was looking at. Dark screen.....blobs, that was it. The technician turned to me and I could tell she didn't want to say this. "Honey, I'm sorry.....I can't find a heartbeat" Right there in that room my world fell apart and I just lost it, for maybe 5 minutes then that was it. We left and went to sit in the car.

Phase 1 of my grief was bitterness and anger. I was really angry with God. Why on earth would he let me become pregnant and not see me through? I called my mom and told her the news in which she immediately asked if I wanted her to call my grandparents to come over and pray. I said yes, but everything within me was against it. The last thing I wanted to do was pray, but I knew better. Deep down I knew that God didn't do this to me. So we prayed. We prayed and thanked God in a time where we really didn't want to. We then went to see our awesome pastor, who made our day better. He asked kindly if we needed the weekend off to which I replied no. I didn't want to stop moving. I had to keep going to take my mind off of the reality.

Phase 2, joy and peace, but not full acceptance. That whole weekend God was with us. There was a song we used to sing in Children's Church as kids "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart..." That weekend I first experienced in full the verse that read "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart". I don't know why or how it was, but it just was. We trusted in God's plan for our lives and chose to praise Him in a time that wasn't very easy and He then gave me peace, incredible peace and joy. I think many people who asked about the baby to find that we lost it and my reaction to that might have looked at me in wonder. Like is she crazy or how can she be so calm. Well it wasn't me, honestly. Without God I would have probably been a huge wreck, and I would have gone into seclusion.

Phase 3, the overwhelming love of God shown through those He has placed in my life. I don't open up much and talk about the deep spaces of my life because as I said in the beginning, I am a strong person, and as a strong person I have to be able to handle things myself. Not fully true this time. I have just felt God's love for me so strong in my life these past few weeks. He has sent me so many great friends and family that have been there for me in ways they cannot imagine. You all probably may even think that you haven't really done anything. Well, to a person who doesn't reach out the simple words resulting in the voice of "I care about you" mean more than anything to me. So I thank God for every single person in my life because they are truly a blessing.

Phase 4, the reality. I am writing this the day after my D&C procedure. Everything went great yesterday. The operation was a breeze and I felt completely fine afterwards.I followed the Dr.'s orders, which I never do, and took it easy all day. Austin came home tonight after work as he usually does. I went to start cleaning a little in my bathroom, and I don't know exactly what it was, but I just lost it. I had been so stinking strong this whole time, I trust in God and His awesome plan for us, I know this isn't my fault, and I know that things are going to be ok, but all I could do was cry. (Sorry guys who read this I'm going to get real for 2 seconds) I had never really bled until after the procedure, and I guess when I did it brought me back to how real this was. That it was really over and it really happened. Some may not even consider my baby really a life because he/she was only 7 weeks, but that baby was a real to me as any baby and will always be. We talked about how I guess it would have been way harder had we known the sex and named it and everything, but honestly it was still hard. I don't equate my pain with anyone else's pain in this aspect at any level, but it is still pain. 

All in all, many would say right off that my God can't be real because any loving God wouldn't have let your baby die. Well God bless you anyway, but you honestly have no clue. Neither do I. God has a plan and I don't get to see the whole picture. I'm ok with that because I trust in Him. He has brought me this far and set me on a path only He could direct. I trust that my future will be far more blessed than I can imagine, so no I will never doubt God for one second, but it is also ok for me to be sad for a bit. I am human and have the right to a few tears. To all of the mothers out there who have lost, just hang in there and keep going no matter what because eventually you will make it to a time of joy again.  Psalm 30:5 (paraphrase) Pain may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.